A Happy Place

Everyone likes to daydream. To create a place within the deepest factions of our minds where everything is perfect. Untouched by the outside world to infiltrate our sacred secret worlds.

Sometimes I alternate between every situation that I want to happen and choose what I deem the best outcome. However, I usually go to one event I made in particular which always seems to calm any anxieties I may have.

There is one place I go to whenever I feel as if I need to escape reality. I often visit this place in my dreams. I often have control of what goes on in this dream like I do when I lucid dream.

I call it,

Winter Wonderland

Snow falls outside onto the yard. The fire blazes on in front of them as she reads. Twinkling tree lights flash a multitude of colors that sometimes hit the reflection on her glasses. She pulls her large grey sweater over her petite fingers to keep them warm. The steaming peppermint cocoa rests on the table next to their feet. He smiles, watching her while she reads intently, unaware of the rest of the world. Holding her close, he places a feathered kiss to her forehead. Breaking her eyes from the book, she looks up at him, a soft red tint colors her cheeks. A large smile forms, not only on her face but to her eyes. Scooting closer to his chest for warmth, she sighs in contentment. The book lay open in her lap as she does so. Looking back down at her book she continues to read on. His fingers trace swirl patterns on her thighs as she reads peacefully. That had become their thing recently. It soothed her and made her feel safe. Soft noises came from the T.V. as The Nightmare Before Christmas played on repeat. They both loved that movie especially around this time of year. With one hand making random patterns on her thigh, he placed the other over the table to grab the Santa shaped mug filled with warm cocoa. The smell of peppermint and cinnamon permeated throughout the entire house. It made her happy to be home. The smell, the weather, the warmth, the feel of the times, the movies, the seasonal drinks, and the lights. But most importantly, him. It wouldn’t be considered their home, without him. It was days like this that she realized how lucky she really was. He always told her that he loved her no matter the circumstance. Of course, those words were hard to swallow, but when given the thought, she knew he really meant it. She had said similar words to him, but today something felt different. She felt as if those words were really sinking into her skin. This made her smile brighten even more as she skimmed the words in front of her. As he placed his cocoa back on the table, she laid a gentle but passionate kiss to his cheek. He smiled at her with a look that said “What was that for?” to which she shrugged and smiled at him. Their love could be felt through every house around them. Those three words of endearment did not need to be said. He could tell exactly what she meant with that kiss. Saying it back, he placed her on his lap as she giggled playfully. Her book fell to the floor with a soft thud. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close to him. They exchanged soft and passionate kisses. The snow fell softly outside. The T.V. played their favorite film. Twinkling lights shined everywhere. Peppermint and cinnamon permeated around them. The pungent smell filling every part of the home. They were home.

Cloud 9

When I’m with you I feel as if I’m floating. I’m on the clouds and every worry I have drifts away.

Every moment with you is a moment I want to last forever. My memory can never do the moments we spend together any justice.

I don’t know the future but I know I love you and I want to spend my life making memories with you.

The feeling is so overwhelming. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.

No matter how hard I try, I won’t ever be able to fathom the love I feel for you.

Kissing you is so innocent yet it sends this electricity through me. Just being able to touch you and feel your warmth is a sensation I can’t ever get over.

Live your life

You should live your life for you and no one else. If you are truly happy then that is the only thing that should matter.

Even if everyone around you seems to disagree with you. You shouldn’t let them discourage you from going after what you want.

Stop caring about what other people have to say.

It is the best thing you can do for yourself in order to find happiness.

Push yourself past what you think your limit is. Even if it scares you.

I am the happiest I have ever been and this feeling is like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

I don’t know how to describe it without rambling on and on and getting lost in my thoughts.

My heart is overwhelmed and full of love.

I don’t ever want this feeling to go away.


Truly, Madly, and Unconditionally

I’ve learned over the past few years that to be able to love others to your fullest capacity, you must first value yourself and know your self-worth.

Only recently have I began to fully understand the term “unconditional love”

I care more about their happiness without any thought for what I might get in return.

It is really rare to love someone unconditionally because we are programmed to be conditional.

We expect something in return.

But when it comes to loving someone unconditionally, you don’t expect anything back.

When you love someone, you extend yourself, every vulnerability you have into an uncharted territory with the thought that you want their happiness overall.

This is the kind of love that has no bounds and is unchanging. It is the choice to love this person no matter what is thrown your way.

You get satisfaction out of putting their health and happiness first with no expectation of reward for yourself.

There are multiple ways to notice when you’ve found unconditional love.

Here are some that I have noticed:

1. You can let your guard down with them

2. You demonstrate your love with both words and actions daily

3. You both value the art of communication

4. You can both be fully yourselves with one another

5. You feel at home with them

6. You inspire each other

7. They make you want to be your best self

8. You can tell one another the truth even when it’s hard

9. You put their needs first

10. Your partner encourages you to talk about your anxieties

11. You have respect each other’s values and boundaries

12. There is a satisfaction you feel when loving them, there’s no strings attached

And these are just some. I know there’s plenty more.

Life has been putting me through a lot of trials lately and something I have gained from them is the realization of how far my love truly goes.

Don’t give up

I feel like us as humans work so hard to get to a certain place or obtain a certain goal in life that we sometimes lose sight of what makes life fun.

Life is unpredictable and that’s kind of a great thing. Planning every little detail out becomes so exhausting because nothing will ever go exactly as planned and it’s really discouraging.

Having a general idea of what you want for the future just makes life so much more enjoyable.

After a while of chasing something you lose your hobbies. You become so hyper focused on a set goal you lose a part of yourself.

You need a creative outlet because it brings you happiness. Don’t lose sight of that inner child.

Having that creativity will make you feel so much better and less depressed about where life is going.

As kids, we were so much happier because all we ever did was find things we enjoyed and had fun. We were constantly creating.

As adults, we have to learn to factor that fun into our busy schedules to stay sane.

So it’s okay to not know everything that’s going to happen in your future. Just remember to live your life and enjoy it.

Find things that make you happy and keep feeding that outlet.

On purpose

This is a compilation of jumbled thoughts that only my journal has seen

Your words seem to heal the hurt. You have this butterfly effect on my heart.

Am I accidentally falling?

I didn’t plan on this helpless circumstance with you.

You might be the answer to all of my fears.

You’ve got my heart and I don’t want it back

I don’t necessarily have a fear of heights and maybe that’s why I let myself fall for you. I can’t describe to you how much I loved the fall. It’s the sort of fall that I would relive over and over again. I will wait until you let yourself fall. When that time comes, I’ll be down here waiting to catch you.

In life, you are either the poet or the poetry and you are truly the most beautiful poetry I’ve come across.

You’re like a cool autumn breeze on a crisp fall day: warm and inviting with the undeniable feeling of complete and utter happiness.

Poetry was invented to describe people just like you.

I know that you’re scared and so am I. But when I gaze into your eyes, that fear melts away.

I miss your face. Your warmth. Your touch. Your smile. Your laugh. I miss being tangled in your embrace. I miss the sound of your heartbeat. Your scent and the fact that it alone can calm down my constant racing mind. The way you look at me. I miss your hand gently brushing my hair. I miss the way your lips softly kiss my forehead.

Your eyes crashing into my eyes makes my heart nearly stop. There are hills on my skin when you smile. I just want to discover all of your colors. Every corner of your mind.

Your voice is soft, yet firm and sultry. It’s what I crave the most.

I fall for you more and more with every day that passes.

I never thought that I would need someone so much.

There’s a happiness I feel with you and I love the way it makes me feel. To be with you is the definition of relaxation and contentment. Your skin is so soft and soothing. To touch your is to be entranced. Your heartbeat is like a soft melody.

You never realize that you’ve fallen until it’s too late.

We attract what we’re ready for

Lately, I’ve started to realize that we attract what we’re ready for.

Even if at the time we don’t think we are prepared for what’s being presented to us.

The thing is, random shit happens all the time.

I personally like to try and plan out how things are going to go because I like to have a general idea of what’s going to happen.

But then life just throws me a curve ball that changes everything.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

And even though they weren’t apart of the plan at first, they start to become apart of the plan.

They bulldoze into your life without you even realizing it.

You feel like you aren’t ready for any of it.

But in reality you are even if you think you aren’t.

They’re in your life because they are meant to be there.

They were placed with you for a reason.

You may not know that specific reason just yet.

But you’ll eventually figure it out.

Why they were put into your life when you weren’t ready for them.

Just because you didn’t plan for it to happen doesn’t mean that you aren’t ready for it.

No one is in our lives just by chance.

Living with anorexia

Anorexia is not just an eating disorder, it’s a constant internal battle.

It all started when I wore a crop top to school. I was feeling very confident in my body and I was so happy. I was happy until one girl criticized me, she called me fat saying that a “Girl my size should not be wearing that.” I could feel my heart breaking in that very moment.

That very night I went home and searched for every way to lose weight fast. I stood on the scale and even calculated my BMI. I became determined to make my waist thinner. I thought that it was the only way to be beautiful like her.

I started to set a goal weight for myself. It started out with trying to lose at least five pounds.

I portioned out every one of my meals to about the size of my hand. I ate two to three times a day.

After a few weeks, the weight started the slowly drop. But that wasn’t enough. It was taking too long. I felt prettier with having lost a few pounds so I told myself “Why not lose a couple more pounds?”

I then cut my meals down to once a day and began calorie counting and the weight started to fall more and more.

I was so happy with myself but there was a little voice forming in my head telling me that I needed to lose more weight in order to truly be beautiful. The voice told me that if I stopped eating altogether then I would lose so much more.

That’s what I wanted right? To be thin and beautiful like all the other girls at my school. To be wanted.

I searched online daily exercise routines and blogs that supported not eating to motivate myself.

That little voice in my head was starting to make sense and everything she told me to do was working. People were starting to notice my weight loss and they seemed so happy for me.

But there came a point where people stopped being happy for me and started to look concerned. They questioned my health and if I was eating properly. The voice told me to deny their accusations. And I listened to it.

That voice became my reasoning. I listened and obeyed everything that it told me.

Eventually, it was the only thing I listened to.  Everyone else was wrong because I was thin and beautiful.

I thought that voice was my friend. I was wrong. That voice was my enemy.

The more weight that I lost the happier I thought I was. The more my bones showed the more excited I got.

But it was never enough. No matter how much weight I lost the voice said I wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t beautiful because I didn’t look like the models or actresses.

I was feeding a monster in my head and I let it take over my life.

It came to a point where my anxiety would skyrocket if I even gained an ounce. I started to have panic attacks on the bathroom floor next to the scale.

That voice has haunted me for years and still does. It has taken years of self-evaluation to realize that I am more than just a number on a scale.

I’m not going to say that I beat anorexia because I didn’t. I still battle it on a day to day basis.

Some days are worse than others but I now know that I am beautiful no matter what the scale says.

There is more to life than being trapped inside your mind. It took me a while to understand this.

I had to slowly take back my control. I am the key to my happiness. No one can devalue you without your consent.

Don’t give them the consent.