On purpose

This is a compilation of jumbled thoughts that only my journal has seen

Your words seem to heal the hurt. You have this butterfly effect on my heart.

Am I accidentally falling?

I didn’t plan on this helpless circumstance with you.

You might be the answer to all of my fears.

You’ve got my heart and I don’t want it back

I don’t necessarily have a fear of heights and maybe that’s why I let myself fall for you. I can’t describe to you how much I loved the fall. It’s the sort of fall that I would relive over and over again. I will wait until you let yourself fall. When that time comes, I’ll be down here waiting to catch you.

In life, you are either the poet or the poetry and you are truly the most beautiful poetry I’ve come across.

You’re like a cool autumn breeze on a crisp fall day: warm and inviting with the undeniable feeling of complete and utter happiness.

Poetry was invented to describe people just like you.

I know that you’re scared and so am I. But when I gaze into your eyes, that fear melts away.

I miss your face. Your warmth. Your touch. Your smile. Your laugh. I miss being tangled in your embrace. I miss the sound of your heartbeat. Your scent and the fact that it alone can calm down my constant racing mind. The way you look at me. I miss your hand gently brushing my hair. I miss the way your lips softly kiss my forehead.

Your eyes crashing into my eyes makes my heart nearly stop. There are hills on my skin when you smile. I just want to discover all of your colors. Every corner of your mind.

Your voice is soft, yet firm and sultry. It’s what I crave the most.

I fall for you more and more with every day that passes.

I never thought that I would need someone so much.

There’s a happiness I feel with you and I love the way it makes me feel. To be with you is the definition of relaxation and contentment. Your skin is so soft and soothing. To touch your is to be entranced. Your heartbeat is like a soft melody.

You never realize that you’ve fallen until it’s too late.

You came crashing into my life like a fucking tsunami.

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This certain feeling

I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind lately.

I’ve been experiencing this unknown and uncharted feeling and it’s been driving me to the brink of insanity.

Sometimes I wonder how someone can even exist.

How one person can make you feel so incredibly overjoyed.

It’s almost as if you’re high.

Just simply thinking of that person overwhelms you with giddy.

My heart speeds up when he looks at me with those big gorgeous eyes.

Lately, I find myself daydreaming. I make up scenarios in my head. Like watching a little movie play in my head of the two of us.

We connect so well. I feel like I’ve known him for so long.

I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t know how to handle it.

I think about him way too much.

His laugh gets put on replay in my mind and I can’t seem to get it out.

When I think of him I get completely and utterly flustered.

He has broken down all of my walls and defenses. It was so easy for him. He just pushed himself straight through them with no problems. He makes it seem like I had none up at all.

It’s so fucking hard not to feel like this.

Like I’m losing my mind.

He makes me want to be my best self. I’m so motivated and full of life with him.

I thrive with him.

When we’re together I never want the moment to end.

Sometimes I wish there was a pause button that I could press so I could stare at him forever.

Around him, I feel comfortable enough to show all of my vulnerabilities.

I feel safe around him. When he hugs me I know that he’ll protect me.

He knocks the breath right out of my chest.

And this feeling.

This certain feeling.

Is the best feeling in the world.

 

Falling for him

My best friends and I annually attend a concert called Warped Tour to see a large variety of bands perform. Usually, it’s just the five of us but two years ago my friend, Laura, decided to invite someone to join us. The plan was to stay at Gabby’s apartment that night and head out to the concert early in the morning. So when Laura said, “Hey guys, do you mind if I have a friend stay with us?” we didn’t mind at all because we understood the struggle of having to find a place to stay that was close enough to the venue.

We were all sat on the floor looking up setlists and checking our bags for everything we were going to need when Laura came walking in with this guy. Our eyes met as soon as he walked in and I swear I remember feeling my heart skip a beat. His piercing blue eyes were staring directly at me. I felt an instant pull towards him. He started to introduce himself to everyone and they didn’t really seem to care but when he got to me my anxiety was through the roof. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks.

We barely talked but we sat close to one another the whole night. He was seeing different bands than the rest of us so we rarely met up throughout the day. My friend Giselle and I met up with him to watch some random band from a distance when suddenly a bodyguard was calling me over. I thought there was something wrong but no, he started to hit on me and I became physically uncomfortable. So much so that Giselle and he swooped in and pulled me out of that situation. Then we, of course, talked about it and made light of the whole thing. He even offered to be my pretend boyfriend so no more creeps would hit on me. I couldn’t help but blush at his sweet offer. We somehow started talking about Snapchat and exchanged social media.

The concert ended and everyone piled into the car. He and I got in last and sat so close to each other. I never asked him if he noticed when I rested my head against his shoulder.

At the moment, it felt right, being close to him.

Fast forward to a few days later when I gave him my number. We started to talk every day and learned more and more about each other. We started going on dates and doing little random things together. It felt so natural to be with him. It was as if I had known him for years.

There’s one date in particular that made me realize how hard I was falling: We had just got done eating Olive Garden and neither of us wanted to say goodbye yet so I decided to go to a large nearby field where we could lay and watch the stars. Letting my head rest on his chest, I excitedly pointed out every constellation and fact I knew about space. He gently combed his fingers through my hair as I talked. Just moments after I had been rambling on about black holes, a shooting star went by. It was such a beautiful moment that we shared. And we shared many more.

That was until it was time for him to move off for college. He began to drift away from me and it hurt. It hurt to watch him become distant and less involved. I couldn’t blame him though. I was attending college closer to home and he was moving an hour away. So we broke it off, stopped talking, and went our separate ways. I cried for a while. I even wanted to beg for him back but I refused to do that to myself. So I moved on.

The thing is, even though two years have gone by, I never stopped liking him.

Recently, he sparked up a conversation with me. I was confused as to why but I didn’t mind it. Talking to him had always felt natural and I felt that even though we went our separate ways, there wasn’t any anger towards him.

The night before his birthday I decided that I was going to wish him a happy birthday at exactly midnight. When the moment came I texted him a very long and enthusiastic birthday message. He responded immediately and began to strike a conversation with me. We were mindlessly flirting until he said something that caught me off guard. He started to talk about the date in the field. I told him it had been my favorite memory of us together because of how romantic it was and the shooting star. And then he said, “I don’t remember that. I guess I was too busy staring at your beautiful face.”

That caught me off guard completely and then he sent me a goodnight text explaining that he didn’t want to say anything dumb to me. I was internally screaming.

Little did I know that he was coming back into my life at full speed.

We began to talk daily and I was going to a concert with all of my best friends. I took it upon myself to invite him because why not, right? I hadn’t seen him in person for two years and I wanted to rekindle a friendship.

Hah, that did not go as planned at all.

When he got there I literally ran into his arms to hug him. It was like the pull we felt for one another had never gone away.

The concert was amazing. He stood by me the whole time and for most of it held me close to him. I didn’t reject him at all because I was happy with him. Somehow, our hands met and without a second thought I made the first move and interlocked our fingers together.

Being with him felt so natural and right. I didn’t want the night to end.

We all decided to go out to for Denny’s for a post-concert get-together. He had invited me to ride with him and I happily said yes. All I wanted was more time with him.

When we got to Denny’s it was obvious and he and I were not going inside. We sat in that parking lot for almost two hours talking about our relationship. We talked about everything. In the end, we chose that we couldn’t resist each other enough to not start something up again.

We have been seeing each other for a little bit now and we already have a routine in place: I spend the night at his place every Tuesday and Wednesday. We talk daily and Skype every once in a while.

The more time we spend together, the more I find myself hopelessly falling for him. It’s hard not to. He is the perfect guy for me in every aspect and even his imperfections are perfect.

I’ve found a happiness that I forgot existed. I am completely and utterly vulnerable to him and maybe I let myself be that way but I’m scared. Scared because this feeling I get with him is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The bond we share is almost unbelievable. It’s almost as if I can read his every thought.

I let him in again and I am watching myself slowly fall more and more with each day that passes.