Truly, Madly, and Unconditionally

I’ve learned over the past few years that to be able to love others to your fullest capacity, you must first value yourself and know your self-worth.

Only recently have I began to fully understand the term “unconditional love”

I care more about their happiness without any thought for what I might get in return.

It is really rare to love someone unconditionally because we are programmed to be conditional.

We expect something in return.

But when it comes to loving someone unconditionally, you don’t expect anything back.

When you love someone, you extend yourself, every vulnerability you have into an uncharted territory with the thought that you want their happiness overall.

This is the kind of love that has no bounds and is unchanging. It is the choice to love this person no matter what is thrown your way.

You get satisfaction out of putting their health and happiness first with no expectation of reward for yourself.

There are multiple ways to notice when you’ve found unconditional love.

Here are some that I have noticed:

1. You can let your guard down with them

2. You demonstrate your love with both words and actions daily

3. You both value the art of communication

4. You can both be fully yourselves with one another

5. You feel at home with them

6. You inspire each other

7. They make you want to be your best self

8. You can tell one another the truth even when it’s hard

9. You put their needs first

10. Your partner encourages you to talk about your anxieties

11. You have respect each other’s values and boundaries

12. There is a satisfaction you feel when loving them, there’s no strings attached

And these are just some. I know there’s plenty more.

Life has been putting me through a lot of trials lately and something I have gained from them is the realization of how far my love truly goes.


Don’t give up

I feel like us as humans work so hard to get to a certain place or obtain a certain goal in life that we sometimes lose sight of what makes life fun.

Life is unpredictable and that’s kind of a great thing. Planning every little detail out becomes so exhausting because nothing will ever go exactly as planned and it’s really discouraging.

Having a general idea of what you want for the future just makes life so much more enjoyable.

After a while of chasing something you lose your hobbies. You become so hyper focused on a set goal you lose a part of yourself.

You need a creative outlet because it brings you happiness. Don’t lose sight of that inner child.

Having that creativity will make you feel so much better and less depressed about where life is going.

As kids, we were so much happier because all we ever did was find things we enjoyed and had fun. We were constantly creating.

As adults, we have to learn to factor that fun into our busy schedules to stay sane.

So it’s okay to not know everything that’s going to happen in your future. Just remember to live your life and enjoy it.

Find things that make you happy and keep feeding that outlet.

On purpose

This is a compilation of jumbled thoughts that only my journal has seen

Your words seem to heal the hurt. You have this butterfly effect on my heart.

Am I accidentally falling?

I didn’t plan on this helpless circumstance with you.

You might be the answer to all of my fears.

You’ve got my heart and I don’t want it back

I don’t necessarily have a fear of heights and maybe that’s why I let myself fall for you. I can’t describe to you how much I loved the fall. It’s the sort of fall that I would relive over and over again. I will wait until you let yourself fall. When that time comes, I’ll be down here waiting to catch you.

In life, you are either the poet or the poetry and you are truly the most beautiful poetry I’ve come across.

You’re like a cool autumn breeze on a crisp fall day: warm and inviting with the undeniable feeling of complete and utter happiness.

Poetry was invented to describe people just like you.

I know that you’re scared and so am I. But when I gaze into your eyes, that fear melts away.

I miss your face. Your warmth. Your touch. Your smile. Your laugh. I miss being tangled in your embrace. I miss the sound of your heartbeat. Your scent and the fact that it alone can calm down my constant racing mind. The way you look at me. I miss your hand gently brushing my hair. I miss the way your lips softly kiss my forehead.

Your eyes crashing into my eyes makes my heart nearly stop. There are hills on my skin when you smile. I just want to discover all of your colors. Every corner of your mind.

Your voice is soft, yet firm and sultry. It’s what I crave the most.

I fall for you more and more with every day that passes.

I never thought that I would need someone so much.

There’s a happiness I feel with you and I love the way it makes me feel. To be with you is the definition of relaxation and contentment. Your skin is so soft and soothing. To touch your is to be entranced. Your heartbeat is like a soft melody.

You never realize that you’ve fallen until it’s too late.

You came crashing into my life like a fucking tsunami.

We attract what we’re ready for

Lately, I’ve started to realize that we attract what we’re ready for.

Even if at the time we don’t think we are prepared for what’s being presented to us.

The thing is, random shit happens all the time.

I personally like to try and plan out how things are going to go because I like to have a general idea of what’s going to happen.

But then life just throws me a curve ball that changes everything.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

And even though they weren’t apart of the plan at first, they start to become apart of the plan.

They bulldoze into your life without you even realizing it.

You feel like you aren’t ready for any of it.

But in reality you are even if you think you aren’t.

They’re in your life because they are meant to be there.

They were placed with you for a reason.

You may not know that specific reason just yet.

But you’ll eventually figure it out.

Why they were put into your life when you weren’t ready for them.

Just because you didn’t plan for it to happen doesn’t mean that you aren’t ready for it.

No one is in our lives just by chance.

This certain feeling

I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind lately.

I’ve been experiencing this unknown and uncharted feeling and it’s been driving me to the brink of insanity.

Sometimes I wonder how someone can even exist.

How one person can make you feel so incredibly overjoyed.

It’s almost as if you’re high.

Just simply thinking of that person overwhelms you with giddy.

My heart speeds up when he looks at me with those big gorgeous eyes.

Lately, I find myself daydreaming. I make up scenarios in my head. Like watching a little movie play in my head of the two of us.

We connect so well. I feel like I’ve known him for so long.

I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t know how to handle it.

I think about him way too much.

His laugh gets put on replay in my mind and I can’t seem to get it out.

When I think of him I get completely and utterly flustered.

He has broken down all of my walls and defenses. It was so easy for him. He just pushed himself straight through them with no problems. He makes it seem like I had none up at all.

It’s so fucking hard not to feel like this.

Like I’m losing my mind.

He makes me want to be my best self. I’m so motivated and full of life with him.

I thrive with him.

When we’re together I never want the moment to end.

Sometimes I wish there was a pause button that I could press so I could stare at him forever.

Around him, I feel comfortable enough to show all of my vulnerabilities.

I feel safe around him. When he hugs me I know that he’ll protect me.

He knocks the breath right out of my chest.

And this feeling.

This certain feeling.

Is the best feeling in the world.


Living with anorexia

Anorexia is not just an eating disorder, it’s a constant internal battle.

It all started when I wore a crop top to school. I was feeling very confident in my body and I was so happy. I was happy until one girl criticized me, she called me fat saying that a “Girl my size should not be wearing that.” I could feel my heart breaking in that very moment.

That very night I went home and searched for every way to lose weight fast. I stood on the scale and even calculated my BMI. I became determined to make my waist thinner. I thought that it was the only way to be beautiful like her.

I started to set a goal weight for myself. It started out with trying to lose at least five pounds.

I portioned out every one of my meals to about the size of my hand. I ate two to three times a day.

After a few weeks, the weight started the slowly drop. But that wasn’t enough. It was taking too long. I felt prettier with having lost a few pounds so I told myself “Why not lose a couple more pounds?”

I then cut my meals down to once a day and began calorie counting and the weight started to fall more and more.

I was so happy with myself but there was a little voice forming in my head telling me that I needed to lose more weight in order to truly be beautiful. The voice told me that if I stopped eating altogether then I would lose so much more.

That’s what I wanted right? To be thin and beautiful like all the other girls at my school. To be wanted.

I searched online daily exercise routines and blogs that supported not eating to motivate myself.

That little voice in my head was starting to make sense and everything she told me to do was working. People were starting to notice my weight loss and they seemed so happy for me.

But there came a point where people stopped being happy for me and started to look concerned. They questioned my health and if I was eating properly. The voice told me to deny their accusations. And I listened to it.

That voice became my reasoning. I listened and obeyed everything that it told me.

Eventually, it was the only thing I listened to.  Everyone else was wrong because I was thin and beautiful.

I thought that voice was my friend. I was wrong. That voice was my enemy.

The more weight that I lost the happier I thought I was. The more my bones showed the more excited I got.

But it was never enough. No matter how much weight I lost the voice said I wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t beautiful because I didn’t look like the models or actresses.

I was feeding a monster in my head and I let it take over my life.

It came to a point where my anxiety would skyrocket if I even gained an ounce. I started to have panic attacks on the bathroom floor next to the scale.

That voice has haunted me for years and still does. It has taken years of self-evaluation to realize that I am more than just a number on a scale.

I’m not going to say that I beat anorexia because I didn’t. I still battle it on a day to day basis.

Some days are worse than others but I now know that I am beautiful no matter what the scale says.

There is more to life than being trapped inside your mind. It took me a while to understand this.

I had to slowly take back my control. I am the key to my happiness. No one can devalue you without your consent.

Don’t give them the consent.

Falling for him

My best friends and I annually attend a concert called Warped Tour to see a large variety of bands perform. Usually, it’s just the five of us but two years ago my friend, Laura, decided to invite someone to join us. The plan was to stay at Gabby’s apartment that night and head out to the concert early in the morning. So when Laura said, “Hey guys, do you mind if I have a friend stay with us?” we didn’t mind at all because we understood the struggle of having to find a place to stay that was close enough to the venue.

We were all sat on the floor looking up setlists and checking our bags for everything we were going to need when Laura came walking in with this guy. Our eyes met as soon as he walked in and I swear I remember feeling my heart skip a beat. His piercing blue eyes were staring directly at me. I felt an instant pull towards him. He started to introduce himself to everyone and they didn’t really seem to care but when he got to me my anxiety was through the roof. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks.

We barely talked but we sat close to one another the whole night. He was seeing different bands than the rest of us so we rarely met up throughout the day. My friend Giselle and I met up with him to watch some random band from a distance when suddenly a bodyguard was calling me over. I thought there was something wrong but no, he started to hit on me and I became physically uncomfortable. So much so that Giselle and he swooped in and pulled me out of that situation. Then we, of course, talked about it and made light of the whole thing. He even offered to be my pretend boyfriend so no more creeps would hit on me. I couldn’t help but blush at his sweet offer. We somehow started talking about Snapchat and exchanged social media.

The concert ended and everyone piled into the car. He and I got in last and sat so close to each other. I never asked him if he noticed when I rested my head against his shoulder.

At the moment, it felt right, being close to him.

Fast forward to a few days later when I gave him my number. We started to talk every day and learned more and more about each other. We started going on dates and doing little random things together. It felt so natural to be with him. It was as if I had known him for years.

There’s one date in particular that made me realize how hard I was falling: We had just got done eating Olive Garden and neither of us wanted to say goodbye yet so I decided to go to a large nearby field where we could lay and watch the stars. Letting my head rest on his chest, I excitedly pointed out every constellation and fact I knew about space. He gently combed his fingers through my hair as I talked. Just moments after I had been rambling on about black holes, a shooting star went by. It was such a beautiful moment that we shared. And we shared many more.

That was until it was time for him to move off for college. He began to drift away from me and it hurt. It hurt to watch him become distant and less involved. I couldn’t blame him though. I was attending college closer to home and he was moving an hour away. So we broke it off, stopped talking, and went our separate ways. I cried for a while. I even wanted to beg for him back but I refused to do that to myself. So I moved on.

The thing is, even though two years have gone by, I never stopped liking him.

Recently, he sparked up a conversation with me. I was confused as to why but I didn’t mind it. Talking to him had always felt natural and I felt that even though we went our separate ways, there wasn’t any anger towards him.

The night before his birthday I decided that I was going to wish him a happy birthday at exactly midnight. When the moment came I texted him a very long and enthusiastic birthday message. He responded immediately and began to strike a conversation with me. We were mindlessly flirting until he said something that caught me off guard. He started to talk about the date in the field. I told him it had been my favorite memory of us together because of how romantic it was and the shooting star. And then he said, “I don’t remember that. I guess I was too busy staring at your beautiful face.”

That caught me off guard completely and then he sent me a goodnight text explaining that he didn’t want to say anything dumb to me. I was internally screaming.

Little did I know that he was coming back into my life at full speed.

We began to talk daily and I was going to a concert with all of my best friends. I took it upon myself to invite him because why not, right? I hadn’t seen him in person for two years and I wanted to rekindle a friendship.

Hah, that did not go as planned at all.

When he got there I literally ran into his arms to hug him. It was like the pull we felt for one another had never gone away.

The concert was amazing. He stood by me the whole time and for most of it held me close to him. I didn’t reject him at all because I was happy with him. Somehow, our hands met and without a second thought I made the first move and interlocked our fingers together.

Being with him felt so natural and right. I didn’t want the night to end.

We all decided to go out to for Denny’s for a post-concert get-together. He had invited me to ride with him and I happily said yes. All I wanted was more time with him.

When we got to Denny’s it was obvious and he and I were not going inside. We sat in that parking lot for almost two hours talking about our relationship. We talked about everything. In the end, we chose that we couldn’t resist each other enough to not start something up again.

We have been seeing each other for a little bit now and we already have a routine in place: I spend the night at his place every Tuesday and Wednesday. We talk daily and Skype every once in a while.

The more time we spend together, the more I find myself hopelessly falling for him. It’s hard not to. He is the perfect guy for me in every aspect and even his imperfections are perfect.

I’ve found a happiness that I forgot existed. I am completely and utterly vulnerable to him and maybe I let myself be that way but I’m scared. Scared because this feeling I get with him is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The bond we share is almost unbelievable. It’s almost as if I can read his every thought.

I let him in again and I am watching myself slowly fall more and more with each day that passes.